I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Drake has all the answers
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
