How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize