They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
