So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i've created a new STD.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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