Fine. I'll sleep in my office
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
