Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
