She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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