We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize