The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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