I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
