fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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