Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
