using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
