How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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