Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
