My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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