I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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