I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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