mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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