Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I wish I only lived at night.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Randomize
