Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
