I just gift wrapped bread.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
