kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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