you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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