I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
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