remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
