Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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