Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
