fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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