I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
