the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Randomize
