You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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