Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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