You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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