Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
