Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
