Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Randomize
