Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
