The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
