just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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