he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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