im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
