my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Don't EVER smell your tampon
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
