this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
