Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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