Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
