my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
