Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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