I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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