its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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