Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
