guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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