I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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