I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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