Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize