Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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