Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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