...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
