I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
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