what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
