Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
